Sat. morning I write this. I am tired. I have counted 9 hours of sleep collectively since Wed. morning. I thought last night would be a time to rejuvinate a bit after falling into my makeshift bed next to Janae but it was a very tough night. It was the first time since all this started that I felt like I might go crazy. Watching the clock roll through the night can do that to someone. I may be tired but I also feel such a relief that the tumor is out. I can't believe it really. We were prepped for months of chemo, which would shrink the tumor, and then we could get to the surgery. We could get that yucky thing out. Now, it's over already. AND, it even went well. There were so many things that could have gone wrong and they didn't.
Here is a journal entry that I wrote the night before the surgery...
Oct. 23rd Long day. No sleep. Last night but 2 hours here and there. it is the end of the day. The lights have dimmed. I dread shutting my eyes because I found when I tried that last night, all the terrible thoughts tease with my emotions. Also, the tears flow fresh again. Its funny how just when you think your eyes can't cry another tear, the fountain spouts up all over again. I do know one thing though, after talking about this new development in our lives all day, reality is slowly yet seteadily setting it. Therefore, the thoughts in the dark tonight probably won't be as hard. Frank's tears flow fresh too. There is nothing like our loved ones in turmoil to cause us to run, sobbing, to the throne of grace.
So many prayers, gifts, visits already have started to show their faces today as the news has begun to unfold. I am astounded at how many believers, who don't even know us, are lifting us before our shard Lord. What comfort!! What a cushion to soothe our war torn hearts. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I thinkn one of the hardest things about the day was telling our families and children. They felt the pain the closest. Another difficulty we faced today was all the waiting...and often, the waiting, for nothing, as the doctors schedules are too filled up today, too filled up for the "important" tests Janae needs. A comforting thought is that God's timing in all this is perfect. So, we had one test done today of the three that were scheduled. I was concerned Janae would get so weary of sitting here all day because she is full of energy and playfulness and wouldn't want to be cooped up in here all day. Not the case though becausee God put us in an excellent hospital with a wonderful play center with more things to do than I can imagine. She had lots of fun and proclaimed so tonight. She had fun with her sisters in there when they visited.
She lays in front of me, sleepily watching a Curious George movie in the dark. Tonight, in her little world, George to the rescue, tomorrow, a different story, a hard road lies ahead-she will be put totally under for a biopsy. The doctor will have more answers then as to what is in there that he will be working on shrinking in the coming months but as for now, he is almost certain it is Wilms. (Another praise because Neuroblastoma is very a very poor prognosis.) Either way though he said it will be too dangerous to take it out before shrinking it. So, ahead lies more waiting through a tough chemo treatment. I don't like that. In my heat I want it taken out NOW. All of it. Let's be done with this deadly thing now that we know about it. In my head I understand the doctor knows best and that it is foolish to take something out that is too dangerous right now. I thank God for the doctor's wisdom and this modern technology. We too often focus on how modern medicine is adultered today and not how far it has come. God has given these doctors great wisdom.
With this comfort, I rest. I can't keep my eyes open any longer. I will lay my head down for what I hope is a peaceful sleep. The beauty in this is that while we sleep, the Lord never slumbers. Psalm 121, He watches over us.

So, as I said, that was written the night before the surgery. Now, I look back at my thoughts and concerns and am amazed at the truth in how God's timing was truly perfect. I was so frustrated with the timing of things but God made it all that way so the tumor could actually be taken out today!!!!! How cool. That justs proves that we are so caught in time and He is so not.
For those of you who are trying to follow my thoughts and our story, forgive me for "going backwards" to previous days journals so often.. I just have felt a strong desire to get lots of these thoughts down and I think we can go forward now as things are caught up.